Isnât it amazing what you may hear if you keep your eyes and ears open, meandering aimlessly along the boulevards of broken dreams in places like Paris or Zagreb?
The following exchange was overhead (and, it seems, faithfully recorded!) in an unpretentious little sidewalk café where two swarthy, well-dressed men of indeterminate age were hunched over short, strong coffees, exchanging bawdy stories in a common language not their own, laughing like schoolgirls and smoking like chimneys. One of them looked a lot like this:
It seems that there may have been a âPOTWâ interview going on and here, friends, is the âscoopâ on that interview:
[Apparently French PPro Moderator]: âAlors, mon ami, it eez zo good to zee you again!
[Apparently Croatian Subject]: âIt is. The pleasure is all yours.â
[AFPM]: âI âave to do somezing very clever for my one âundred thousandth post: I thought zat maybe you could âelp me. Everybody on ze forum asks me all of ze time, who is zis âAres 501â??? Maybe, you know, we can do a Purist of ze Week story, non?â
[ACS]: âOK! What do you think they want to know?â
[AFPM]: âLet us begin ze begin (with apologies to Cole Porter): where are you from?â
[ACS]: âI am a fiercely proud citizen of Hrvatska, born and bred in Zagreb. We have a non-descript little home in the back streets of Zagreb where I live quietly with my wife and children:
Itâs a modest little home, certainly, but I made sure that there are still places where a man can get away to be by himself if he chooses:
It is very convenient because there is a child-care centre next door (but they donât allow the children to take their firearms in⊠:-(
Our home is perfect in the in the summer â those tiles reflect a lot of the heat - but it can get a little bit difficult to manage in winter.
It has a cellar, and down there I have arranged to have a constant reminder of my parents, of whom I am also fiercely proudâ:
[AFPM]: âWhat means zis, âfiercely proudâ?â
[ACS]: âWell, let me show you thisâŠâ
[AFPM]: âStop, stop!!! I know zat we are good friends, and zat I am French, but I sink zat you may âave ze wrong idĂ©e!...â
[ACS]: âNo, no, no, itâs OK; I just want to show you somethingâŠâ
[AFPM]: âPhew! For one little moment ⊠I did not pick you, mon ami, to be a fan of ze body ink. How did zis âappen?â
[ACS]: âYou were there when I decided! It was a long day: we began with a few drinks then we had a few more, do you remember?
We swam in the pool; you were so Gallic, he was so macho, and all I had to show was my football doll. I decided then and there that I would ask Mo to do a tattoo for meâ.
[AFPM]: âBut what did your family make of zat decision?â
[ACS]: âMy grandmother was quite pleased: it is an old tradition in my country to get tattoos, so that people will know where you are from if you get lost. My grandmother wanted me to get some like hersâŠ
âŠshe still has a photo of the day that she and her sisters all went to the local artist to have theirs done:
I thought that those were too âsissyâ for me, though, so I designed a nice macho piece that I wanted to have done on both of my arms. I have the design here â do you like it?â
[AFPM]: âZat is craaaazy, man! If zat is what you wanted, why you did not get it?â
[ACS]: âHave you ever asked Mo how much he charges for a full colour tattoo??? I have - now I know how he manages to afford all of those little mechanical marvels and sharp suits! No, all I could afford was the âtramp stampâ that you now see, and even then he made me promise to have it in a place on my body where nobody would see it, just in case they recognised his workâ.
[AFPM]: âI look at your design; it says somezing about âmolecular biologyâ. Is zis what you do?â
[ACS]: âIt is how I spend my working day, yes. I work all day in a place full of other people like me:
People do not always understand what we do, so I have made a graphic to explain it to everybody:
To be honest, I was not a very good student. I had a lot of enthusiasm, but at first I lacked some of the talent of my lecturers and tutors:
For a while I thought about using the knowledge that I had obtained to teach evolutionary microbiology at a basic level, but the thought of being in a classroom all the time sent shivers down my spine, all the way to my remnant vestigial tail.
So, I went to see my eminent professor and spent a long time discussing career options with him. I told him that things had been much easier when I had been an undergraduate, when I understood some of what I was being told and could make easy choices to remain in the security of academe seemingly forever. He listened to me very carefully as I shared all of my misgivings:
After a while, he told me that everyone seems to think that the old days were better, but they were not: they were just simpler. He said that if I ever wanted to have a decent watch collection I would have to forget about the old days and make a go of my chosen career:
I am so glad that I listened to him. I stuck with it, and now I am something of a celebrity in my field. Perhaps you have read my more recent works, such as âKaryological Analysis of Two Allopatric Populations of Planarian Polycelis Felina (Daly.) in Croatiaâ? Or maybe âPresence Of Ecotoxicologically Relevant Pgp and Mrp Transcripts And Proteins In Cyprinid Fishâ? They have sold literally dozens of copies!â
[AFPM]: âErrrrrm, noâŠâ
[ACS]: âWell maybe you have seen me on television then? I have my own show in Croatia, you know; it scores brilliantly in the ratings, somewhere between the test pattern and the speech which is given by our glorious leader on Anti-Fascist Struggle Day (which is one of our many national holidays):
[AFPM]: âAhhhh, we do not usually speak of ze politics, but âow do you speak of your country wizout speaking of ze politics? You mention that you are almost as famous as your President; do you follow ze politics?â
[ACS]: âHave you seen our President, Kolinda Grabar-KitaroviÄ??? And just who is your President?â
[AFPM]: âI see your points. Do you perform at all ze public service?â
[ACS]: âWhen my busy television schedule allows, I tour the major venues in my country explaining to my people the answers to trivial questions such as âEvolution or Intelligent Design?â â:
[AFPM]: âSo, you âave an important position?â
[ACS]: âYes. If I say so myself, I am the conscience and the intelligence of my nation. We have a saying in Croatia: âDjeca, budale i pijani pravdu govoreâ. Roughly translated, it means âOnly, children, biologists and evolutionary microbiologists can be relied upon to tell the truthâ.
[AFPM]:âDo you work hard all of ze time?â
[ACS]: âThere is a reason that I was careful not to become a virologist: the great thing about the work that I do is that I can take it home with me. I am practising evolutionary biology right underneath my wifeâs nose and she doesnât even know it! I have three experiments running at home, all of them very successful so farâ:
This is one of my more recent experiments. He bears an uncanny likeness to someone I feel I know, but I just canât put my finger on it right now. He emerged gasping for air and for a watch at the same time: have a look at what heâs wearing â I think heâs possibly the youngest Purist in all of Zagreb:
[AFPM]: âSo âow do a man who eez as important and as busy as you relax in âis spare time?â
[ACS]: âI donât believe in time. One day, when you have lots of time patience, I will tell you why. There is no such thing as time off, therefore, but I do have a number of recreational interests. In Croatia we invented a saying which the Americans stole and called âThe Roadiesâ Creedâ. I live by The Roadiesâ Creed. If itâs wet and alcoholic, I drink it. If itâs dry (and legal, naturally!) I smoke it. If it moves I gaffer tape it and if it doesnât move I throw it on a truck.
As you have guessed, my recreational interests include music, smoking, drinking and shooting pool. Oh: and watches, of course!â
[AFPM]: âMusic? Ahhh, I love also ze music! I love everything from new wave to rock, reggae, heavy, Indie, alternative, pop, trip hop: what about you?â
[ACS]: âFor me, it is as much about the musicians as the music. I like to try to understand the zeitgeist; to get behind the psyche of the great musicians; to get behind the making of the great albums:
I rather like the gentle humour of Tom Waits:
But most of all I am very parochial: one of my all-time favourites is the Croatian band âBambi Molestersâ. They have great name as well as a really talented guitarist (and I would let her play in my football team)â
[photo credit: Sas Huzjak]
[AFPM]: âFootball? You like football? Tell me about zisâ.
[ACS]: âEvery man, woman and child in my country loves sport. For example, think of all the great tennis players you can name in fifteen seconds: Mario AnÄiÄ, Ivan LjubiÄiÄ, Ante PaviÄ, Mate PaviÄ, Petar JeleniÄ, Goran PrpiÄ, Goran IvaniĆĄeviÄ (we call him the Big ItchâŠ) and Viktor GaloviÄ (who was showing good form in the national team until he was scratchedâŠ). And thatâs just the men!!! Since 1992 Croatia has won 23 Summer Olympic medals and 11 Winter Olympic medals â not bad for a country of only 4.2 million people and negative population growth!
Although we have great tennis players, great basketballers and many other great sportspeople, it is soccer that captures the national attention. Of course it would: even Jesus played for Croatia!
It is a game for the whole family. There is nothing like a bucolic day at the football:
My family likes to see our team play, and to win. There is a law of averages to contend with though. Just to be on the safe side, I have also designed something which helps me get through the day if my team happens to lose:
I am, as I have said, fiercely loyal. On the local front I support NK Viktorija Vojakovac; I thought it was very shrewd of them to appoint the master tactician Tihana NemÄiÄ as their coach:
On the international front I support CroatiaâŠ
âŠand anyone playing Serbia.â
[AFPM]: âWhat about Australia?â
[ACS]: âOf course! Australia is really Croatiaâs summer holiday house. Nearly as many Croatians live outside of Croatia as live here still (we are gradually colonising the world by stealth!). The clever ones go where the sun shines and where the mortars cannot reach. So it is no surprise that at least forty seven Croatians have been âAustralianâ international football players! Yes, I love Australia and I have found a way to cope with my divided loyalties when the two teams playâ:
[AFPM]: âBut, did I âear you say zat you âave a football team? Is zis true?â
[ACS]: âI am assembling one. It is frustrating that our fantastic sporting prowess does not result in more silverware in the trophy cabinet. We deserve more. So, I thought very carefully about the way that my country can guarantee success in the next World Cup. What we need foremost is a very strong, but lithe, defensive line: it can be hairy in defence. The goalkeeper, of course, must have a great pair of hands and not let any balls past. The midfielders have to have pace and stamina to go hard all night, with great ball skills in order to set up the wingers and strikers. The wingers need to be strong off both legs, and the strikers have to be just that: striking strikers. Then the team has to come together as a whole and look worthy of the national strip.â
[AFPM]: âPerhaps I should ask you about ze âabit zat we both enjoy: ze smoking. I know zat you enjoy ze odd cigar; âave you been smoking for long?â
[ACS]: âI canât really remember when I began. My parents tell me I was always reaching out to try new things.
It was not just me: smoking is a very European thing, and almost everyone in my family smokes. Even the women in my family like to smoke a good cigar, especially my sister, Dita von TeesiÄ:
Cigars are one of my passions. Unfortunately, since Obama let the curtain up, the Americans have gobbled up all of the decent Cubans. To celebrate when my last little experiment was born, I went into my tobacconist and asked for the biggest Cuban cigar he had - this was all he could give me:
Not to be defeated, I have put in an order for a new cigar that should last through a couple of hours of late night philosophising - even for me. I shall post photos of the unboxing when it finally arrivesâ:
[AFPM]: âZat one will be challenge. I âope you âave somezing to drink while you smoke it?â
[ACS]: âI have a couple of ideas. It is a little known fact that Croatia makes some remarkably good wines. We try to keep quiet about it so that it is not all bought by the tourists, which is why our labels usually donât give much away:
But I have my own wine label, so after a strenuous workout I will probably begin with a few quick malts and then move on to thisâ:
[AFPM]: âYou âave a strenuous workout first? Why eez it so?â
[ACS]: âThe body is a temple. It is important to stick to a strict exercise regime before any drinking session:
It is then important to finish on a couple of shots of a local digestif. I insist that my friends do that whenever we have a GTG. Fortunately, there are a few digestifs to choose fromâ:
[AFPM]: âAh, ze GTG! Now we talk! I know zat we âave been able to make ze GTG from time to time: you âave made others?â
[ACS]: âNot enough, not enough. I like to have an excuse to take my âlucky jumperâ to meet other watch enthusiasts. Sometimes we meet thereâŠ
âŠand sometimes we meet here:
I have been saving all of my kuna in the hope that I will be able to use my passport to get to a GTG somewhere exotic. At the moment, I have almost enough for a bus fare to Ljubljanaâ:
[AFPM]: âYou âave no worries about ze communication problems?â
[ACS]: âNo. Watches at a GTG are a universal language. Besides, I have a reasonable proficiency in English and one or two other languages.
It also helps to share a love of things which other Purists enjoy, even though those things may not be watches. I love shooting pool, and I know that Art (âDr Noâ) loves to shoot pool also. I feel that we have a âvirtual GTGâ every time I play a game with the same brand of cue that Art uses on the other side of the world.
My friend, I have also found a table where you and I could play pool and enjoy another GTGâ:
[AFPM]: âI lurv ze GTG; ze company, ze wine and ze food â alors, ze food! Do you enjoy also ze food?â
[ACS]: âBut of course â I am a son of the Adriatic! Lately I have been gorging on these; for some reason I have hundreds of them in the freezer:
There is nothing in the world like a plate of fresh Ommastrephes bartramii Lesueur, charcoal-grilled, served with a whiff of cracked pepper and a little squeeze of lime juice, all washed down with half a gallon of a light Croatian beerâ:
[AFPM]: âWhat eez next for you?â
[ACS]: âMy people are famous for their inventions; I want to be famous for an invention also. You may not remember, but Croatia was the birthplace of the functioning parachute (Faust VranÄiÄ), the torpedo (Ivan BlaĆŸ Lupis) and that most useful article of male attire, the necktie (what other country would dedicate a national holiday to the âCravatâ???).
Unfortunately, my first efforts at combining evolutionary biology and watchmaking were a little creepy:
Then, of course, GP beat me to a watch that combines gambling and horology (one of my favourite pieces, if you did not know):
So, I want to invent something practical that combines my love of watches with another of my great lovesâŠâ
[AFPM]: âZis âas been (âow you say?) a dialogue marvellous and maybe now I âave all of ze material I need for zat big post. Do you âave any last thoughts for ze other PuristS?â
[ACS]: âStay well; enjoy the camaraderie of our forum; make more PuristS! Zbogom i sretno.â
And on that bombshell, dear readersâŠ
Cheers,
pplater.
This message has been edited by amanico on 2015-05-02 02:43:11 This message has been edited by ThomasM on 2015-05-08 10:33:53 
