TimeOut

A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.''That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

Student of Psychology
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean? $300?"

Be My Valentine
A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Worst thing to say on a Valentine's date

~I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
~I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
~Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
~Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
~I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."
~Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
~Wait till my wife hears about this!
~I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'